To relieve the listless despair that often creeps in after midnight, here's a start at some kind of positive thinking on the subject of what the fuck to do with my life, some ideas that I haven't rejected out of hand.
Algorithmic financial instrument trading
Combining maths, stats, computing and some financial knowledge into a black box for making money out of capital.
Pros: Can scale. Does utilize skills I mostly actually have. Might learn stuff that is also useful. Could lead to a salaried job doing it, if the returns are very marginal but there is scalability.
Cons: Might not work. This actually seems highly likely, since millions of people have tried it, and few have succeeded, and they might just be luck. Could spend a huge amount of time getting absolutely nothing out of it.
Writing a book
I can actually write. There's a few book plots I've worked out some detail on, all novels in sci-fi/fantasy settings.
Pros: Could be interesting. Could be fun. Could, with tremendous luck, pay off.
Cons: Is likely to be extremely hard and frustrating, and not pay off. I am extremely weak on character development, since I usually don't care about that much in what I read, but that's most of what other people read for.
Becoming a teacher
Probably in mathematics and or statistics, and computing, in secondary schools
Pros: Steady work, good hours, excellent holidays, reasonable pay.
Cons: Nothing about the work itself appeals to me at all. It sounds like something you should do only if you actually believe in it. Unfortunately, I don't.
Going back to programming
Coding for the man, by the hour. Like what I used to do.
Pros: I at least know how to start, and there is money in it. I have, in the past, been good at it.
Cons: I do not actually like doing it. It has been over 3 years since I did it professionally and I now will have very atrophied skills, particularly since they had already atrophied when I was doing it, out of sheer boredom. Essentially I don't actually like software itself very much, even to use, much less to have to pretend to enthuse about when usually I think it's actually used for stupid things.
Doesn't sound that positive, in hindsight. Probably that's because of a complete lack of drive in any other areas to go with it. There's really very little that I want out of life any more. I don't have any hobbies left. My pool of friends is tiny and I find interactions with them less and less satisfying every time, going down ruts from the past endlessly. My health is failing. Very little, apart from my children, gives me any joy at all. The most I usually get in a day is diversion, something to take my mind off how shitty I feel. My wife is withdrawing, although to be brutally honest I think she's been doing that for about 6 or 7 years now.
Nope, this was a waste of time and now I'm just feeling worse. Great. See you next time.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Feeling Bitter
On the stink side
This has been a theme of the last 8 months or so. Bitterness. I'd say I'm writing this because I hope it might help, but I don't think it will. It's just a record. I might as well keep a record, having made the decision that public engagement in the form of internet commentary has been an extremely foolish waste of a huge amount of my time. I think I gave it something like 3 years of my life in the end. As in something like 6000 hours. I'm 3 weeks AFK now. Maybe I'm just writing this to relieve the pangs of the horrible mental inactivity that took the place of all that pointless engagement.
To be clear, I only mean it was pointless for me. I've got no problem with other people doing it. It might not even be a waste of time for them.
But that isn't what's making me bitter. In fact, I consider it a positive step. What I'm bitter about is my total lack of inspiration about this pressing question of what the fuck I should be spending my time on. Obviously, I should be trying to make money, either by a job or by a business scheme of some sort, but I've somehow engineered myself into the fucked up situation of having to finish a degree in a subject I'm no longer interested in. I decided at the start of the year to go for a degree in Applied Maths, thinking it might be both interesting and useful, and somewhat easier than other options on account of my prior training as a computer scientist.
But instead I find it's none of those things. It's not useful in any way I can imagine ever using, drawing practically every single application in the field of higher physics, a subject I have discontinued (on account of it being also highly impractical, if somewhat more interesting than maths). So I lose interest in it, and that makes it really fucking hard, although I think it is also actually just fucking hard.
Fuck, fuck FUCK! I should have switched to Statistics. The window to do that closed last Friday.
Which is just the start of my bitterness. Another reason it's all so fucking hard is because I have fuck-all time, and that's because I'm responsible for my kids for all the hours they're not in school. Also, I've got jack shit by way of money, since my wife's income is actually not enough to cover our bills so we're gradually eating away every last bit of capital we have.
Which is odd, considering that I'm actually richer on paper than I've ever been, courtesy of house price inflation. But that's of no use to me unless I sell the house, an idea my wife can't countenance for even a minute. No argument that our quality of life would probably drastically improve if we just sold up and took to renting with a huge chunk of cash in the bank and other investments will budge her from the thought that we'd be going backwards if we sacrificed one square meter of this land that I really can't be stuffed looking after any more. Owning property gives me quite literally no joy at all. It's a fucking drudge, something I'd rather leave to people who like mowing lawns and doing repairs, and not having enough rooms to live in.
There are other bitternesses too. But that'll do for now. Overworked and unpaid, and the end in sight on the other side of a wall of very hard and rather pointless work.
On the bright side
I have spent a lot more time with the boys. That has been enjoyable. My winter project has been to open their minds to a world of better entertainments than what they'd do on their own. I managed to get them into Lego and now both of them are obsessed with it. The house is overflowing with the damned stuff. I introduced them to Tintin by the sneaky backdoor of using the DVD collection someone gave me. Now Marcus reads it all the time and they both like watching episodes of it much more than they like to watch the lastest CG brain mush. I managed to get them away from the simpler childish games into the classics like Draughts, Monopoly, Guess Who, Last Card, Chinese Checkers,. Zane has a real flair for anything strategic, something I cunningly segued in through his combined love of both Star Wars and Lego, via a Lego Star Wars board game called The Battle Of Hoth, which is almost chess-like in complexity.
But most triumphantly of all, I managed to expand their movie interests beyond Star Wars and Toy Story. By implementing "Daddy's choice" time, they have now watched a quite impressive number of classic movies. They don't like everything that they see, but they have liked quite a lot of it. I give my own commentary during the movies, highlighting important parts, pausing at tricky plot points, rerunning difficult scenes, getting them to give their interpretation, and then afterwards a summary of what they've got out of it. It is something they have come to like, grudgingly admitting recently that out of the 40-odd films I've put them through in the last few months, they have liked more than half of them and would watch them again. Most surprising favourites to me:
-Saving Private Ryan
-Titanic
-Charlie Chaplin's Gold Rush.
-Empire of the Sun
-Koyaanisqatsi
all of which I'd have thought too dark, or too slow, or too adult.
The not so surprising:
-WALL-E
-Commando
-Enter the Dragon
Also, we've been doing physical training together, which has been good for me as well as them. We got the cutest photos from Kindy of Zane doing his regular lunges around the yard.
My courses aren't a complete bore at the moment, too. Whilst maths is a dull grind, both statistics courses are enjoyable, particularly the Bayesian one. Everything about that approach seems right to me. There's one little flicker of hope in a subject I could take further.
And for my own entertainment I've made a conscious effort to watch a LOT more good movies.
Feeling Better Now
This has been a theme of the last 8 months or so. Bitterness. I'd say I'm writing this because I hope it might help, but I don't think it will. It's just a record. I might as well keep a record, having made the decision that public engagement in the form of internet commentary has been an extremely foolish waste of a huge amount of my time. I think I gave it something like 3 years of my life in the end. As in something like 6000 hours. I'm 3 weeks AFK now. Maybe I'm just writing this to relieve the pangs of the horrible mental inactivity that took the place of all that pointless engagement.
To be clear, I only mean it was pointless for me. I've got no problem with other people doing it. It might not even be a waste of time for them.
But that isn't what's making me bitter. In fact, I consider it a positive step. What I'm bitter about is my total lack of inspiration about this pressing question of what the fuck I should be spending my time on. Obviously, I should be trying to make money, either by a job or by a business scheme of some sort, but I've somehow engineered myself into the fucked up situation of having to finish a degree in a subject I'm no longer interested in. I decided at the start of the year to go for a degree in Applied Maths, thinking it might be both interesting and useful, and somewhat easier than other options on account of my prior training as a computer scientist.
But instead I find it's none of those things. It's not useful in any way I can imagine ever using, drawing practically every single application in the field of higher physics, a subject I have discontinued (on account of it being also highly impractical, if somewhat more interesting than maths). So I lose interest in it, and that makes it really fucking hard, although I think it is also actually just fucking hard.
Fuck, fuck FUCK! I should have switched to Statistics. The window to do that closed last Friday.
Which is just the start of my bitterness. Another reason it's all so fucking hard is because I have fuck-all time, and that's because I'm responsible for my kids for all the hours they're not in school. Also, I've got jack shit by way of money, since my wife's income is actually not enough to cover our bills so we're gradually eating away every last bit of capital we have.
Which is odd, considering that I'm actually richer on paper than I've ever been, courtesy of house price inflation. But that's of no use to me unless I sell the house, an idea my wife can't countenance for even a minute. No argument that our quality of life would probably drastically improve if we just sold up and took to renting with a huge chunk of cash in the bank and other investments will budge her from the thought that we'd be going backwards if we sacrificed one square meter of this land that I really can't be stuffed looking after any more. Owning property gives me quite literally no joy at all. It's a fucking drudge, something I'd rather leave to people who like mowing lawns and doing repairs, and not having enough rooms to live in.
There are other bitternesses too. But that'll do for now. Overworked and unpaid, and the end in sight on the other side of a wall of very hard and rather pointless work.
On the bright side
I have spent a lot more time with the boys. That has been enjoyable. My winter project has been to open their minds to a world of better entertainments than what they'd do on their own. I managed to get them into Lego and now both of them are obsessed with it. The house is overflowing with the damned stuff. I introduced them to Tintin by the sneaky backdoor of using the DVD collection someone gave me. Now Marcus reads it all the time and they both like watching episodes of it much more than they like to watch the lastest CG brain mush. I managed to get them away from the simpler childish games into the classics like Draughts, Monopoly, Guess Who, Last Card, Chinese Checkers,. Zane has a real flair for anything strategic, something I cunningly segued in through his combined love of both Star Wars and Lego, via a Lego Star Wars board game called The Battle Of Hoth, which is almost chess-like in complexity.
But most triumphantly of all, I managed to expand their movie interests beyond Star Wars and Toy Story. By implementing "Daddy's choice" time, they have now watched a quite impressive number of classic movies. They don't like everything that they see, but they have liked quite a lot of it. I give my own commentary during the movies, highlighting important parts, pausing at tricky plot points, rerunning difficult scenes, getting them to give their interpretation, and then afterwards a summary of what they've got out of it. It is something they have come to like, grudgingly admitting recently that out of the 40-odd films I've put them through in the last few months, they have liked more than half of them and would watch them again. Most surprising favourites to me:
-Saving Private Ryan
-Titanic
-Charlie Chaplin's Gold Rush.
-Empire of the Sun
-Koyaanisqatsi
all of which I'd have thought too dark, or too slow, or too adult.
The not so surprising:
-WALL-E
-Commando
-Enter the Dragon
Also, we've been doing physical training together, which has been good for me as well as them. We got the cutest photos from Kindy of Zane doing his regular lunges around the yard.
My courses aren't a complete bore at the moment, too. Whilst maths is a dull grind, both statistics courses are enjoyable, particularly the Bayesian one. Everything about that approach seems right to me. There's one little flicker of hope in a subject I could take further.
And for my own entertainment I've made a conscious effort to watch a LOT more good movies.
Feeling Better Now
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