To relieve the listless despair that often creeps in after midnight, here's a start at some kind of positive thinking on the subject of what the fuck to do with my life, some ideas that I haven't rejected out of hand.
Algorithmic financial instrument trading
Combining maths, stats, computing and some financial knowledge into a black box for making money out of capital.
Pros: Can scale. Does utilize skills I mostly actually have. Might learn stuff that is also useful. Could lead to a salaried job doing it, if the returns are very marginal but there is scalability.
Cons: Might not work. This actually seems highly likely, since millions of people have tried it, and few have succeeded, and they might just be luck. Could spend a huge amount of time getting absolutely nothing out of it.
Writing a book
I can actually write. There's a few book plots I've worked out some detail on, all novels in sci-fi/fantasy settings.
Pros: Could be interesting. Could be fun. Could, with tremendous luck, pay off.
Cons: Is likely to be extremely hard and frustrating, and not pay off. I am extremely weak on character development, since I usually don't care about that much in what I read, but that's most of what other people read for.
Becoming a teacher
Probably in mathematics and or statistics, and computing, in secondary schools
Pros: Steady work, good hours, excellent holidays, reasonable pay.
Cons: Nothing about the work itself appeals to me at all. It sounds like something you should do only if you actually believe in it. Unfortunately, I don't.
Going back to programming
Coding for the man, by the hour. Like what I used to do.
Pros: I at least know how to start, and there is money in it. I have, in the past, been good at it.
Cons: I do not actually like doing it. It has been over 3 years since I did it professionally and I now will have very atrophied skills, particularly since they had already atrophied when I was doing it, out of sheer boredom. Essentially I don't actually like software itself very much, even to use, much less to have to pretend to enthuse about when usually I think it's actually used for stupid things.
Doesn't sound that positive, in hindsight. Probably that's because of a complete lack of drive in any other areas to go with it. There's really very little that I want out of life any more. I don't have any hobbies left. My pool of friends is tiny and I find interactions with them less and less satisfying every time, going down ruts from the past endlessly. My health is failing. Very little, apart from my children, gives me any joy at all. The most I usually get in a day is diversion, something to take my mind off how shitty I feel. My wife is withdrawing, although to be brutally honest I think she's been doing that for about 6 or 7 years now.
Nope, this was a waste of time and now I'm just feeling worse. Great. See you next time.
Dark! Though most likely fairly routine midlife crisis issues. Acknowledge that, partition the hard drive. It may be possible for you to tackle your first two plans concurrently, They seem like they'd reciprocate one another,
ReplyDelete"one for the money, two for the soul"
Set realistic deadlines, Remain vigilantly open minded as to where the first idea may lead, but resolutely focused on ideal outcomes. Don't be easily discouraged, and go hard! Remember that quite often it's who you know not what you know.
With the writing, let it flow. Write the story you'd want to read.
Plan some surprise(s) for your wife, break routines, embrace lifestyle changes, even if only temporarily,
Take it well easy on yourself.
You are awesome.
Chris